First Test Parody, or, Make Fun of Kel And Co
by Cottia
Summary: Um, I was bored one day, so this came out. Do you need to know anything else? Well, just have a looksies at the title, my dear readers. I mean, what more is there to say? Nothing, leave it at that.
1. Thralls, sugar, and chauvinistic freaks

**Disclaimer: As it happens, I own Tamora Pierce. She's my thrall. Therefore everything that she writes (i.e., all the wonderful books in this section of fan fiction) really and truly belongs to me. But until this fact becomes known to the general public, I will lie, and claim that I do not own the books by Tamora Pierce.**

**I like this fic, it's basically a parody of First Test. It was originally in script format, which isn't allowed, so now it just says, "says," or "say." You can just read the name and skip the "says/say." Anyway, please read and review!**

Kel says, "I want to be a knight."

Wyldon says "no."

Jon says, " Yes."

Wyldon says, "Fine, but Alanna can't come near here, and she has to be put on probation."

Alanna says "By the Goddess!"

AaAaA

Random boys say, "Let's kill some kittens."

Spidren says, "Ooh, food!"

Kel says, "I will now attack you with some rocks and call for help."

Random soldiers and Anders say, "Let's save her."

BbBbB

Kel says, "I want to be a page, even though it's unfair, and I'll be bitter about it for the next four books."

Piers and Illane say, "Go for the gold, honey."

CcCcC

Kel: "I'm going to let my stupid nephew ride my pony while I'm at school."

Anders says, "Play nice with the other children, and don't show off your superior fighting skills that mean you really don't need to learn to be a knight. Oh, and don't be a tattletale.

DdDdD

Kel says, "I have a cool dream with lots of blood, and now I _really_ want to be a knight."

EeEeE

Kel says, "Eww, he's too stony."

Wyldon says, "Ok, you're going to be a knight, but you have to keep your door open, and not flirt. But you won't have time for that anyway, because you're going to work like a dog."

Piers says, "She's too young to flirt."

Wyldon says, "They're never too young."

FfFfF

Salma says, "I like you. Here's your room. Take care of your weapons yourself, but we do the laundry."

Kel says, "Oh no, my rooms been destroyed, I better clean it up myself, even though Salma just told me I didn't have to. Oh good, my cats are ok."

Salma says, "I'll clean that for you." _sees stupid inscription. _" That's a stupid inscription. Girls can fight."

Kel says, "Yes, they can."

GgGgG

Kel says, "Lot's of boys. Redhead and some other random ones. Ooh, more boys coming down the hall. Bazhir, handsome, too old, some other random ones. Ooh, Lord Wyldon."

Wyldon says, "Someone sponsor Kel."

Joren says, "Even though I'm a psycho chauvinistic freak, I'll sponsor her, because you're too dumb to realize I'd probably murder her as soon as your back is turned."

Wyldon says, "No, you have to get better grades, you fellow psycho chauvinistic freak."

Neal says, "I have good grades, I'll do it."

Wyldon says, "You're a smarty pants. Wash dishes for a couple of weeks."

Kel says, "Even though I don't know him, I can't let this smarty pants get in trouble for me. I'll learn it myself sir."

All people other than Kel standing in the hall say, "You're crazy. Just let Neal sponsor you."

_they leave_

Neal says, "I make some random sarcastic comment."

Kel says, "Sir, yes sir."

Neal says, "You're weird, but since you're a girl, you'll obviously succeed, which is why I chose to sponsor you."

Kel says "Radical."

HhHhH

Neal says, "Let's eat. Nobody likes us, so I'll make a sarcastic comment."

Wyldon says, "I make a snarky, rude prayer."

Pages and squires say, "We eat."

IiIiI

**So, I hoped you liked it, I'll try and update soon, we'll see. Anyway, please read and review. I accept constructive criticism or suggestions, but please phrase it politely. Yay, I just had sugar!**


	2. skilla in the villa & mad Yamani skills

**Hi, I'm back. Yes, I have read king's-own-knight's parodies, and I like them. But I felt like doing one of my own. As it happens, I'm not sorry for not updating sooner. I had stuff I wanted to do, like study for my science final, and sleep. And celebrate my birthday. So yeah, I'll write more now that summer's here. I'm not promising anything on how fast I update. I'll try not to make it, like, a year before I update, but that's all I'm promising. That said, please read and review!**

**Disclaimer: Plato believed that we were like people in a cave, watching the shadows of the perfect thing pass by above us. Tamora Pierce's writings are that perfect thing and my horrible fan fiction is just the shadow, striving to come close, but not achieving. In moot, I do not own. **

Kel and Neal say, "We go on a tour around the palace. Lalalalalala! AAAAHHHHHHH! (**Kel, not Neal, he only does that when Peachblossom bites him**) Big gray lizard! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! Hey, it can talk!"

Neal says, "It's a basilisk, smart one."

Tkaasays, "Dude, I have a name you know. I'm Tkaa, and I like to talk, and I'll teach you about other weirdoes like me."

JjJjJ

Kel says, "I see sparrows and I meet Gower."

Gower says, "I'm gloomy. I stay gloomy for the next two books, the only ones I'm featured in. In fact, my gloominess is the only thing anyone ever notices about me. Just in case you forgot, I'll reiterate. I'm gloomy."

Kel says, "I meet Neal in the eating place and am annoyingly cheerful. We go on another tour. I sleep."

KkKkK

Kel says, "Look, random fighter Shang peoples!"

Eda Bell says, "I look old, but I got more skills than you! I will now disappear from the scene until I get to mock Hakuin."

Hakuin says, "I will now teach you newbies how to fall. Like so:"  
Quince says, "I'm so stupid, I get thrown by Hakuin, and forget how to fall."

Kel says, "I will now impress you all with my totally mad Yamani skills, even though Anders told me not to."

Hakuin says, "Wow, you have mad Yamani skills that you learned from Nariko. I hated that old lady."

Other Pages say, "Wow, just because you have skillage in the village, we will now hate you."

Kel says, "Well this sucks."

LlLlL

Pages say, "We will know do MORE random fighting training. This time it's staff work."

Kel says, "What gives! Now I'm just going to forget that I'm not using a glaive."

Joren says, "I will now beat you with my non-existent mad skills!"

Kel says, "You wish! I've got skilla in the villa, remember?"

Joren says, "ouch…"

MmMmM

**And time passes… I don't feel like going over all the random fight training. Suffice to say, that despite her mad Yamani skills, Kel can't shoot, either.**

Wyldon says, "You will now learn to ride. Go pick out a horsie."

NnNnN

Kel says, "No fair! All the good ones are gone! Just a stupid horse or a mean one are left!"

Peachblossom, "Well, I'm cooler than you, so!"

Kel says, "Whatever, just blow the air out of your stomach, and let me ride you, or I'll tattle."

OoOoO

Wyldon says, "Go take a bath. And I would tell you to run up that hill, but I don't make boys do it, so I won't make you do it. Thus, I am telling you to run up the hill."

Kel says, "Well, you're mean, but I'll do it because I am awesome!

**Wow, I'm only on page 72 out of 228. Heh, this'll take a while, but oh well. I'll try and update soon, but I ain't promising anything. Please read and review people. If you do, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll give you imaginary cookies! Chocolate brownie cookies! Please….**


	3. Free Cookies! If you know where I live

**Ha! Look, I am back, only ONE day after my last update. All bow to the awesome power of Sakuyo the Trickster Goddess! So, yes, please read and review, and you can get some of the brownie cookies my sister made yesterday (but not if I can't find you… heeheehee…).**

**(We are now at the page's first day of ACADEMICS! AAAHHH!)**

Neal says, "We are going to be taught by Sir Myles, who is cool. He's also the king's spymaster."

Kel says, "Well isn't that funky (**I just like that word. Funky… heeheehee…**). He's Alanna's stepdaddy, which has nothing to do with anything, but it now gives me an excuse to be awed the entire class, therefore not paying attention to what the MAN is like, just how he's connected to Alanna."

PpPpP

All pages say, "We now go to our other classes, in which we meet Lindhall Reed, Tkaa (again), and Upton Oakbridge. Oh, and earlier, we met some random Mithran priests that taught us math and writing, but are apparently, because they are priests, they aren't important enough to be given names for several more chapters."

(Lindhall's classroom)

Kel says, "Funky, a moving skeleton. I will now be stupid and not understand the teacher's perfectly lucid explanation."

(Oakbridge's classroom)

Kel says, "Hey, my daddy wrote this book. Funky."

Oakbridge says, "You are a freak. I will now punish you."

QqQqQ

**(We're going to fast forward now, because who really cares about the king?)**

(Kel's room)

Kel: This belt knife is stunky. Hey looky, a PRESENT! YAY! A new belt knife! Even though there's no note or anything, it's not even going to OCCUR to me that this might be a creepy stalker person."

**So that's where I'm going to end, because it seems like an ok ending spot. I am now on page 88 of 228! Go me! To appease you, and make the shortness less blatant, I'll try and put up a new chapter either today or tomorrow. Now read and review, and you "might" get a brownie cookie. I love you alls very, very much!**

**("might" meaning probably not. I only give brownie cookies out when I know where the people are. I mean, I can't just put a plate outside my door, with a sign that's like, "take a cookie if you read and reviewed my story." So yeah….**


	4. poundcake & more use of the word 'freaky

**Once again, only one day has passed. Go me! Anyway, please read and review, and I'll give you some banana blueberry poundcake! It is very yummy…. Yeah, so read and review, and you two can be part of the yummy wonderfulness that is poundcake!**

Kel says, "Lalalalala, I have been at the palace for a couple of weeks and I feel superior because I now have not one, but TWO friends! Go me! I will now write a letter home about it, only I won't mention the prince because that would make me sound stuck up. Lalalala… Oh, and Peachblossom stepped on my foot, but I don't care."

Neal says, "I'm a freakish healer dude who gave up my dream career so that I can do what five million of my ancestors did before me. Oh, and so that I can heal your random bruises from that evil horse. Come on, lets go talk to my crush, Daine, and get her to do something about your evil horse."

Daine says, "I'll make his mouth soft, and you can talk to him instead of kicking."

Kel says, "Dude, WORD COMMANDS. What a funky new idea."

RrRrR

Kel says, "Hey look. Random people are beating up a random person. But I'm not going to do anything about it… Uh-oh, now I feel guilty…."

Cleon says, "I'm annoying"

Everyone else says, "So what else is new?"

SsSsS

Wyldon says, "You now have new saddles, and are going to learn how to tilt, with physical punishment as a reprimand when you don't do it exactly right."

Kel says, "I have just been embarrassed in front of my random hero that hasn't even been mentioned in this book yet. Lalalala…."

TtTtT

Kel says, "I didn't do any homework yesterday because I was so busy feeling guilty. Luckily though, I wasn't TOO humiliated. I also don't even know what 'wan' means, even though that's been part of many people's vocabulary (**ie, mine, and others, I'm sure**) since they were in kindergarten."

UuUuU

Kel says, "I have no upper body strength, even though I've been working out since I was six. In fact, I would utterly fail at the flex arm hang, pull-up, and push-up tests, seeing as I can only do three push-ups."

**And that's all I feel like writing right now, so oh well. Ok people, now read and review, and you will get yummiful pound cake. YAY!**


	5. Katanas, bullies, and romantic tension

**Yeah, so I haven't updated in ages. So sue me. I've got a life you know…. Well, actually, I don't, but that's not the point. And I can't even blame it on school. Erm… so, okay, I'm lazy. Oh well, life isn't perfect you know…. Anyhoo, ON WITH THE DISCLAIMER!**

**Disclaime: "Girls are fragile, more emotional, easier to frighten." This is a quote from a book by Tamora Pierce. I would never write a line like that, and I wouldn't put it on the back, as advertising. I don't care if it's necessary to the plot or anything, I just wouldn't do it. So, OBVIOUSLY, I'm not Tamora Pierce. Capisce?**

**I just realized that I forgot to add in the bit about the lance and Raoul and all. So maybe I'll fix it, so maybe I won't. We'll see. In the meantime, all of you know what happens, except Rosetail's Loyalty, and I'll just make _her_ read the books. Ok, let's get on with the story. **

Kel says, "I've been working on the practice courts, all the livelong day. I've been working on the practice courts, just ta pass the time away! Wake up so early in the morn, in the morn! Can't ya hear the bells tolling, Ke-el do your work!"

Wyldon says, "You all have punishment duty. And Queenscove, stop threatening to push me down the stairs. I don't like it."

Kel says, "I'm now going to cheat at the punishment work by doing my academic work at the same time. Ooh, I'm a juvenile delinquent!"

VvVvV

Cleon says, "I'm a pain again."

Kel says, "So what else is new?"

WwWwW

Kel says, "I still can't hit the quintain, and now there's a hole in my lance. Goshnabit! I hate my life! Hey… wait a second, this ain't a random hole, this is a WEIGHTED LANCE!"

_Sakuyo laughs_

XxXxX

Merric says, "I'm being bullied again. Poor, vulnerable me."

Kel says, "Have no fear, Mindelan is hear!"

YyYyY

Wyldon says, "You're in trouble. I now assume that since you're a girl, you're gonna want to go home because of this fisticuffs incident, even though I _know_ that you know that knights go through much worse."

Kel says, "I will now tell you politely that you're so dead wrong, it's laughable."

Wyldon says, "Yeah, whatever, just go to the healer."

ZzZzZ

Duke Baird says, "You're very cool."

Neal says, "You're stupid and insane."

Kel says, "So what does that make you?"

Neal says, "Gah!" _and leaves for a while_

Duke Baird says, "I used to date your mom."

Kel says, "No way!"

Baird says, "Way!"

AaAaA

Sparrows say, "PEEP"

Kel says, "Five more minutes, ma."

_But no soap. She gets up._

Gower says, "Amazingly, for once I am NOT gloomy. Instead I compliment Kel on her black eye. How weird is that?"

Kel says, "Apparently, not very. Ta ta!"

BbBbB

Merric says, "I'm mad at you for helping."

Neal says, along with most of the readers, "What the heck?"

Kel explains, "Apparently this is how nobles act when they have help. Some people are just weird."

CcCcC

Cleon says, "I'm annoying yet _again_. Apparently, this is Ms. Pierce's way of building up romantic tension. It doesn't make sense to me either."

Kel says, "Yeah, whatever, dude."

DdDdD

_We now get a history lesson from Wyldon_

Pages say, "We practice with swords."

Kel says, "Apparently, though I've trained with every single Yamani weapon, Ms. Pierce hasn't heard of a katana, so I've never done sword work before, so, since I can't confuse it with the Yamani stuff, I'm a perfect natural. Who would've guessed?"

EeEeE

_It's Midwinter_

Kel says, "This is what I gave everybody. This is what I got. How exciting. Ooh, another mysterious present. _This _time at least, I not only fail to think it might be a creepy stalker person, I TRY SOME OF IT, and THEN get Neal to check it. And only AFTER that do I think it might have been some kind of "nasty trick" and ask Neal if he's alright. Strange how my mind works, ain't it?

FfFfF

Joren says, "I bully more people."

Kel says, "Not if I can help it. Dude, what happened to your best friend?"

Joren says, "um… dur?"

Kel says, "Yeah, whatever, let's get on with it."

_Joren, Garvey, and Vinson attack_

GgGgG

Zahir says, "So, even though I'm not bullying people anymore, I'm gonna beat you up to prove that I'm still evil."

Kel says, "Over my dead body!"

Zahir says, "That's kind of the point, idiot."

Other pages say, "Over our dead bodies! Ninja turtles ATTAAAAACK!"

Wyldon says, "PUNISMENT DUTY!"

**And that's all I feel like typing for now. Maybe if you're good and review, I'll put another chapter up today or tomorrow. We'll see…**

**Oh, and TOR, I don't think that her's are any different than ours, or at anyrate, they're not any harder than, say, elevators. I mean, seriously…**


	6. Bloody noses, Sam imitations, & grass

**Only a few days later, I'm updating again! And this was done through allergy induced bloody noses, too! Give me a round of applause! Please?... ok, just read it. I'll go sit and watch grass grow. **

**Disclaimer: I just said I was going to watch grass grow. If I was a well known and admired author, would I go and get all grass stained? I think not.**

Kel says, "I try and sneak off to go fight bullies."

Neal says, "I yell at you."

Merric, Seaver, Roald, Faleron, and Cleon say, "We eavesdrop."

Merric says, "I spill the beans."

Kel and Neal say, "We turn and yell at you."

Merric says, "I wasn't dropping no eaves, sir."

Kel says, "Yeah, whatever, I've got people to beat up."

Neal says, "I'll come with you."

Kel says, "It's your body."

Numair says, "You people shouldn't fight. Now go do something page like. I will now forget about my spell."

Neal says, "I have crush on Daine."

Kel says, "ooooook. Let's go fight more bullies with our friends."

HhHhH

Wyldon says, "Let's go run on a wall!"

All the pages say "Aw phooey."

Kel says, "I hate heights, I hate heights. I'm even scared on the stairs, which doesn't make much sense, but whatever."

Wyldon says, "Since I can't call you a girl, I'll mock you by saying you run like a sheep."

Kel says, "You'd look funny in a kimono. Heeheehee…"

Wyldon says, "Now I'll humiliate Kel."

Kel says, "I am humiliated."

IiIiI

Kel says, "Somehow, miraculously, I can now tilt perfectly."

JjJjJ

All pages say, "Tests are scary."

**And that's all I feel like writing for now. Ta ta, folks! And don't forget to send me a review!**


	7. pathological fears and commercials

**And I'm back! Hurray! **

**Disclaimer: If I was Tamora Pierce, then, a) I would never have had Cleon and Kel get together, 2) I wouldn't be writing fanfiction, because c) I would be working on the next series. So, obviously, I am not a) a Cleon/Kel shipper, 2) a flying monkey from "The Wizard of Oz," or c) Tamora Pierce.**

All the pages say, "We're going on a camping trip, leaving right away, going on a camping trip, if it doesn't rain, we'll stay all day. Did you bring the sandwiches?"

Wyldon says, "You idiots! We don't take food from peasants! Stop whining! Probationary page! You sniveling freak, you probably want sandwiches too, huh?"

Kel says, "Well actually, sir, no."

Wyldon says, "Whaaaaa-at?"

Hakuin says, "Nyah nyah, we train our warriors better than you! Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"

KkKkK

Quinden and Garvey say, "We're creepy perverted naaasty boys."

Crown and co. say, "Sparrows attaaaaack!"

LlLlL

Wyldon says, "Go climb a tree!"

Kel says, "But I have a pathological fear of heights!"

Wyldon says, "Do I look like I care? You will climb every day until I tell you to stop!"

Other pages say, "Let's be obnoxious and bet on her."

MmMmM

_There is a very nasty, gory battle with the spidrens. Kel proves herself by saving a page, Faleron, I think._

NnNnN

King Jon says, "You guys did good. Now go home and have fun"

Other pages, except for the nasty ones, "Good luck, Kel!"

Kel says, "It's Judgment Day."

Wyldon says, "You can stay if you want, but I'd advise against it."

Kel says, "Yes! Neal, Merric, I'm gonna ignore everyone else who's my friend and tell you guys I can stay!"

**Thus ends the Lord of the Rings. cough sorry, Thus ends "First Test." Coming up next, "Page!" After these messages!**

**Did you like "First Test Parody, or, Make Fun of Kel and Co.?" Then review, and show your appreciation! 'Cause if you don't, I won't post "Page Parody: The New Frontier!" So review…. or else…**


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